I haven’t made a post in a while, but as I sit here with so many thoughts on my mind with no one talk to I have decided to vent. I was sooooo happy this weekend. For the first time in I can’t even remember I was careless. Ususally I am worried about a number of things. Whether it be my mom, the fact that ryan wont get a job and I am taking care of him, or just random paranoid worries I am usually a mess. I got a new apartment, I have a sweet new laptop, I have my car. I have every material object that one can need. And the best part of that is I payed for it all myself. I also have someone to love and a great family. I miss being able to talk to my mom about my problems. Even as I sit here and I think about the fact that I can never tell if she understands me the tears are coming. I don’t usually cry anymore, and I rarely go through the why me phase anymore. Something happend last night that changed all the great feeling in me. My mother did ask me what was wrong thins morning which is a big step in the possible recovery from dementia. So we or should I say I got the new apartment friday. It is soooo dank!! Probably one of the nicest placed I have ever lived, besides the mountains. So the weekend was going fucking great. On friday ryan was supposed to bring $200.00 to me for the deposite on the place. And as I was afraid would happen. He gets to my mom’s house and tells me he only has $100.00. I was irrate. He doesn;t have a job so going into this new place with him is taking a chance. I mean the place is in my name and all, and I can do it on my own, but if I ever have to kick him out it wont be easy. Legally if someone lives somewhere for 6 months or has a key, they are considerd a resident there. So we go through this whole hassle and of course I end up paying the other $100.00, leaving me with nothing for this week, but a new un bug infested place. I was just so happy that I ignored the fact that he screwed me over. As I said the weekend went well. Then last night we go to the old place. I will have two apartments until next month. Walk in and we’re all excited because we don’t live there anymore. I start looking around feed the animals and then I go for my guitar. It was not were I left it. I asked ryan if he had seen it. So he starts running around looking for it. It was clearly not there. I was crushed. Nothing else was missing. There was another guitar right next to it why didn’t they take it? Not the acoustic!! I love that guitar. The last one I had was smashed by Ryan in one of his rages. I definatly did not deserve it. So losing this guitar brought back thoughs feelings, even though it wasnt as bad cause I don’t think someone smashed this one. The door wasn’t broken into, nor where the windows.  So that means either the maintenance man or ryan took it or someone is really good at picking locks. I really don’t want to think he did it, but all the signs point to him. I hinted that I thought he might have been related but he just got mad and said I was being selfish. Apparently the other hundred dollers he was missing was stolen too.  So I was being selfish because I was acting like I was the only one who sufferd a loss. In my mind I was because I am not too sure the money ever existed. The whole thing has me really fucked up. I have most of my stuff in the old apartment and I am scared that if it wasnt him then someone will steal all my stuff.but because I had to pay that 100 dollars I have no money to waste going up there. I’m so fucked up right now. My stepdad told me it’s probably time to get rid of ryan. I don’t want to! I have a strong love for him and things were going so good with us for the longest time. I called the police to see what I can do, but it’s pointless. I’m gonna start calling pawn shops soon. If I find out it was him then he is gone. You can’t take my instrument of creativity and expect me to just forgive you. I just hope it wasnt him. Why would he do that? I have all these emotions going on in my head and I feel like I’m gonna explode. No one to talk to or vent to with my bro out on tour and my sister is always busy. I told my stepfather about it and as I said he told me prehaps it’s time to say goodbye. Well it’s not. I just can’t do it or wont do it really. I could fix it and get rid of him if I wanted to. I’m gonna try to get over it. and move on. But I will be watching him like a hawk. I just hope I’m not being a fool……………but I probably am.   I can only learn from all this in the end.